The Dreaded Assessment: Let's Get Physical
Assessment Exercise 3: Goblet Squat
When I managed to ambulate myself over to where 'A' was, she looked at me and asked me if I was ok. Like a complete idiot, I decided to say that I was fine and that I was finally catching my breath, ready for the next exercise. 'A' then showed me the goblet squat, which is holding a kettlebell at your chest and squatting down almost as far as one can, then stand up, squat again, and so on. Of course, she did so in a beautifully graceful set of moves. When it was my turn, 'A' decided that I should use a lighter kettlebell than I had used for the Russian kettlebell swing. My face felt like it had settled into a non-committal, whatever you think is best look, while on the inside, my unicorn patronus was screaming 'thank god!'. As with the Russian kettlebell swing, I performed these squats a little too quickly and was really beginning to figure out that my thighs actually had muscles with nerve endings, most of which were now beginning to feel as though they were on fire. I am not sure if this particular exercise was the inspiration for J.K. Rowling to title the fourth book in the Harry Potter series: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but if it wasn't the inspiration, it certainly could have been. Additionally, 'A' noticed that I was breaking form more in this set than during the Russian swings, so she was aware that something was afoot.
To give the complete picture, sprinkled between the three major assessment exercises that I performed, there were a few exercises that filled in the gaps: doing pushups (thankfully with my knees on the floor, beginner style, and keeping one foot on a plyometric box, stepping up, then taking my opposite foot off and down, then back up again, all while holding a kettlebell). I didn't include these exercises because they were more minor in nature, and didn't yield themselves to the hilarity of the big three. All told, I did 5 exercises over the course of my assessment before the Goblet Squat killed me. Honestly, this was the most exercise I had gotten in, well, years.
My assessment of my performance: For this particular exercise, I decided to scale back the grandiosity of my achievement when compared to the previous two exercises. In this case, I had the theme from 'Chariots of Fire' going through my head, though, based on how I was feeling, it should have been the theme from 'Brian's Song' playing instead. Personally, I was just happy that I got through all of the reps.
Reality: My form was good to start but worsened with each time I stood and then squatted again. When I completed the last stand (literally it would be the last stand related to exercise that night), I had to take a moment to get some water, sit down, and tell myself that I wasn't going to be the guy that throws up everywhere. This time I was having a difficult time with catching my breath, but I still managed to sashay, under my own power after a good 5-10 minute break, to where 'A' was setting up for the next exercise. Upon my arrival, I began to list to starboard and had to grab onto a beam to steady myself. It was at this point that 'A' knew I was epically burned toast. Rather than move on to another exercise, she told me to lay down on the floor under the ceiling fan which was circulating blessedly cool air. My unicorn patronus was screaming 'Man down, man down', while my brain actually found the whole thing humorous and imprinted the hashtag #EpicFail in my line of sight.
Final Result: This Princess had reached her limit, not having done much at all, in the cosmic scheme of fitness. It was a rather humbling, and hilariously humiliating, display while in public. As I lay in my puddle of unicorn tears, slowly regaining the ability to breathe like a normal person, 'A' began to clean up the general group exercise area, keeping an eye on the delicate flower on the floor.
To give the complete picture, sprinkled between the three major assessment exercises that I performed, there were a few exercises that filled in the gaps: doing pushups (thankfully with my knees on the floor, beginner style, and keeping one foot on a plyometric box, stepping up, then taking my opposite foot off and down, then back up again, all while holding a kettlebell). I didn't include these exercises because they were more minor in nature, and didn't yield themselves to the hilarity of the big three. All told, I did 5 exercises over the course of my assessment before the Goblet Squat killed me. Honestly, this was the most exercise I had gotten in, well, years.
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| If only I had had a gurney, oxygen tank, and morphine drip... |
Reality: My form was good to start but worsened with each time I stood and then squatted again. When I completed the last stand (literally it would be the last stand related to exercise that night), I had to take a moment to get some water, sit down, and tell myself that I wasn't going to be the guy that throws up everywhere. This time I was having a difficult time with catching my breath, but I still managed to sashay, under my own power after a good 5-10 minute break, to where 'A' was setting up for the next exercise. Upon my arrival, I began to list to starboard and had to grab onto a beam to steady myself. It was at this point that 'A' knew I was epically burned toast. Rather than move on to another exercise, she told me to lay down on the floor under the ceiling fan which was circulating blessedly cool air. My unicorn patronus was screaming 'Man down, man down', while my brain actually found the whole thing humorous and imprinted the hashtag #EpicFail in my line of sight.
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